Our brain is kind of like a road system, full of different roads for our thoughts to take.  When we use a line of thinking often, our brain adds more lanes.  A thought can go from being an unpaved road to a super highway just by adding a myelin sheath, which helps electric signals pass through our brain more quickly.  It doesn’t mean those thoughts are more true or more important, it just means we’ve thought them a lot so our brain has made them more accessible. Those thoughts will be almost automatic.  It’s kind of like when you’ve been binge watching The Office, you might notice the “that’s what she said” jokes come really easily. Other easily accessible thoughts might be something like “I’m such an idiot” or “nobody likes me” or “I can’t do anything right”.

Those ones aren’t quite so funny.

They’re often so deeply ingrained, we don’t even notice them.  We just live our lives, thinking stuff like that all the time, without even really noticing it.  By bringing some attention to these thoughts, just by noticing them, we can remind ourselves that they aren’t true.  We don’t have to live our lives according to what they tell us.

Most of these thought patterns come about when we’re kids and adolescents.  It might be something someone says blatantly (e.g. “you never do anything right”) or, more often, it can be something unspoken.  Whatever they are, however they came about, they’re not always helpful. By paying attention with mindfulness, we can recognize some of these thoughts and, eventually, stop allowing them to tell us how to live our lives.

1. “I’m not good enough”

You get rejected by someone.  You don’t get the job interview.  Your partner forgets to ask about your meeting.  I’m sure we’ve all experienced the crushing feeling of not being enough—smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, nice enough.  For some, the thought and accompanying feeling run deep. The super highway is so well paved with so many lanes, it’s easy to jump on and speed away.  Anything that goes wrong comes back to that one, simple thought: I’m not enough.

What if you are?

(Spoiler alert: you are).

2. “I can’t”

Childhood is full of trial and errors.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally, we’re constantly learning and trying to understand the world.  For some, failure is just a normal part of life. We fall down, and a parent sweetly kisses the bruise and encourages us to try again.  For others, failure is unacceptable. We fall down and they blame us; we fall down and cry and they ignore us; or we fall down and they rush us to the ER and we end up comforting them.  This leads to a number of potential characteristics later on, but one is a sense that we just can’t do it, whatever it is.  

I can’t get a new job.  I can’t have a healthy relationship.  I can’t go to the gym. I can’t be happy.  If everyone else can do it, you can do it too.  You deserve it, you’re capable of it, you can absolutely do it.

Notice any “can’t”s in your life.  Are those true? Or are those based in a leftover feeling from childhood that are no longer relevant to who you are?

3. “I shouldn’t”
There’s a part of ourselves that’s always like a parent.  Maybe yours is your actual parent’s voice, maybe it’s the voice of the parent you wish you had.  It tells us to be responsible, to go to the doctor when we’re sick, and to go to bed before midnight.  It’s a much needed inner voice.

Sometimes, however, this voice drowns out all the others.  It tells us we shouldn’t do too many things—shouldn’t go out on dates, shouldn’t say how you really feel, shouldn’t ever let loose or have fun.

It keeps us from living our life.

When your inner-parent is loud, remind it that you’re an adult now.  Remind yourself that you are grown and responsible and that your life won’t fall apart if you do something new or different.  If it feels like your life might fall apart if you do it, acknowledge that feeling. Be curious about that feeling. Let yourself feel it, and ask yourself if it’s coming from a place of practicality or a place of fear.

What other automatic thoughts do you have? Practice mindfulness, noticing these thoughts in a non-judgmental way, and be curious about them. By noticing them, we can gently challenge them. We can learn to make other thoughts faster and stronger. We can change our brains.