One of the very first things therapists learn in grad school is to listen for the word “should”. When I first started my graduate practicum, it felt like that was one of my only tools; point out the word “should” and ask them where it’s coming from. It might sound cheesy, like “tell me how that makes you feel”, but I found its weight was heavy. It was obvious that those phrases had an enormous impact on my clients. Now I’m four years past that, which seems wild to me, and I’ve just finished my hours needed for full licensure. Noticing “should” in sessions and talking about what that means is still something I use regularly in sessions—it’s impossible not to. That phrase is one of the greatest sources of mental distress, at the heart of anxiety, depression, OCD, and many other mental illnesses.

Upon first examination, the explanation for why it’s harmful to use “should” is fairly simple: we have a lot of “should”s that are left over from our past, no longer relevant. An example of this would be finding yourself still carrying “should”s from a religion or ethical principle that you no longer agree with. It also happens a lot with our own feelings and thoughts, e.g., “I shouldn’t be feeling this way” or “I shouldn’t have thoughts like that”. The crux of it is, thoughts and feelings just happen. Our body and our brain make us feel for a reason. They’re generally pretty good at it. But they, our body and brain, don’t go by some conscience, moral standard; they’re just trying to keep us alive. 

There’s no thought or feeling you should or shouldn’t have, you just have them. You’re supposed to. They change often.

Every time you “should” at one of your thoughts and feelings, you close yourself off from it. You stop yourself from fully experiencing it, because you’re judging it. These “shoulds” brunt the force of our emotions. They push them to some corner of our mind. They’re still present, still bugging us in the background, causing you to feel guilty of their presence. I shouldn’t be thinking this. I shouldn’t be feeling that. Guilt, guilt, guilt. The guilt protects us, in a way, from actually just feeling the emotion. The emotion is going to be painful. It’s going to suck. But the guilt takes us so much space in us, it keeps the actual emotion at bay. You might note that guilt is also one of the primary symptoms of clinical depression. 

It’s not just guilt that comes out of this push and pull of our feelings. There’s fear there too. If it wasn’t scary, there wouldn’t be a “should” behind it. We don’t usually should on ourselves for innocuous thoughts and feelings. Usually something like “I need to buy milk tonight when I stop at the store” doesn’t bring up a ton of emotion or self-reflection. Something that seems morally wrong to you, however, like objectifying a woman as she walks past you on the street, might catch your attention. Not every thought causes introspection. Many of our thoughts just come in and out without us inspecting them too closely. But something that you have a judgment about is going to cause that jolt of introspection, like a strange dream might. 

Introspection tends to go better when it’s something like this: “how odd! I wonder where that came from? Hmm, I’m definitely having a big emotional response to this. What am I feeling? What is the connection between the thought and feeling? How was I feeling leading into this, and what might have sparked the shift?”  If this is sounding familiar to you reading, great!! Your mind is probably a pleasant place to come visit.  But for a lot of people, it goes something more like this: “what the hell??? What kind of messed up shit was that? You’ve got to be truly messed up in the mind to think stuff like that, right? Do other people think that and just never talk about it? Do other people feel as sad as I feel? No, I’m not normal. Thank god no one knows what’s happening in my head.” That might be an exaggeration for some, but those types of thoughts are not uncommon. They’re full of judgement and self-doubt. And they give unpleasant thoughts far more attention than they warrant. 

From here, you might be thinking something like “okay, I shouldn’t be using the word should!” And that’s another part of the issue. We aren’t just shoulding on ourselves about external stuff “i.e., I should text my friend back”, we should on ourselves about the internal stuff, again, “I shouldn’t feel this way”. So, that’s an observer part of our mind judging the rest of our mind. That observer, or awareness, cannot “should” away the shoulds. It doesn’t work that way. If that happens, the shoulds and should nots don’t really leave. They just move up to a different level of consciousness. In order for real change to happen in our mind, we have to shift that awareness to one of kindness, compassion, and understanding. There’s no point in changing the thoughts if our awareness of those thoughts does not also change.

So, how do we change that awareness? First, we strengthen it. For many of us, that awareness of our own being pops in and out. It’s not always fun to be present in our own minds and bodies, so we distance ourselves from it. Part of the reason why we do this is because that awareness is so cruel and judgmental, telling us what we should and shouldn’t feel. In increasing our awareness of our mind, we must also increase our compassion. However, it’s easier to start with just trying to be neutral, non-judgmental. If you increase awareness without letting go of judgement, you’re going to feel worse. You have to notice your thoughts and feelings and just allow them to be exactly as they are, without trying to change them or judge them.

After some practice, you can start bringing in compassion. Compassion doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be a horrible, lazy, selfish human—that wouldn’t be very compassionate. Compassion means talking to yourself (your awareness talking to the rest of your mind) like you’d want a kind parent to talk to you. Not all of us grow up with that kind parent, but we all need it. This might look like “Grace, I care about you and want you to be healthy, so you need to eat some vegetables today”. This is a very different approach from the way many of us talk to ourselves, something like “oh my gosh, how hard is it to eat a salad? Other adults manage to do it. I’m so immature and unhealthy.” Can you tell this is a familiar narrative for me? I can tell you from experience, the second approach does not push me to eat the salad. The first one does.

One of the dangers of “should” is that people feel strongly that they need it in order to stay on track, accomplish their goals, etc. Almost everyone I talk to holds the fear that if they’re too compassionate with themselves, they’ll be too lenient. They’ll never get anything done. I get this fear. I held on to it for a long time, and sometimes I still notice it creeping back. This fear comes from our egos. 

When we think of self-compassion and letting go of “should”s, the ego goes “wait a second! You need me. You need all of these ideas in order to do the things you want to do.” After all, we’ve been taught (in American culture) that we have to be tough on ourselves. That is a lie. We don’t have to beat ourselves up, judge ourselves, and berate ourselves to get ahead in life. In fact, people who are prone to beating themselves up will often hold themselves back from trying new things in order to avoid feeling like a failure. In other words, they avoid it because they know they’re going to beat themselves up afterwards. The pressure is too high.

Compassion does not mean letting yourself get away with murder. Compassion means accepting that you are a human worthy of love and understanding. Sometimes, the only one who is going to give that to you is YOU. You need that. You deserve it. You can give that to yourself AND acknowledge that there are things you want to improve on. Self-acceptance means seeing your good and bad qualities, fully, and not holding yourself to the standard of perfection. It’s normal to have good and bad qualities. It’s normal to want to improve. 

So, TLDR, judging and blaming ourselves with the word “should” makes us feel bad and stops us from being curious about our emotions; therefor, stopping us from properly processing the emotion. Bring some attention to these thoughts and, when you notice them, ask yourself where that “should” is coming from. Ask yourself if you agree with it. Don’t judge yourself for having it. Notice when you’re shoulding on your emotions. Remind yourself that you feel whatever you feel for a reason, and explore what that reason might be.

If this is all striking a nerve for you, feel free to contact me about setting up an appointment.