After my most recent attempts at dating, I’m left thinking that falling in love is kind of terrible. I finally gain some sense of stability, consistency, and contentment with my life. I think “okay, yeah. I’m ready for dating. I’m ready for a serious relationship” and then, woosh, my world turns upside down. At first, it’s all innocent; meeting people, some bad dates, some mediocre ones. Then you meet someone you really like and gets exciting. Unfortunately (at least for me), that excitement seems to be brief. Dating is terrifying. Going into a relationship, there are two possibilities: it ends, or it doesn’t. Fuck. Those are both scary options. If it’s option number one, you’re destined for hurt. If it’s option number two, you’re destined for big life questions.
I think of it kind of like going skydiving*. It's scary right before you jump. It seems crazy, even. Why would you launch out of an airplane when you don't have to? That's ridiculous. It takes some serious bravery. You count to three, and you jump, holding onto someone you barely know. Then you're falling together. It's exhilarating and exciting... but there's fear too. There's doubt. There's anxiety. There's both good and bad, and the consolation is that you're not going through it alone. You're also not going through it forever. You get to the bottom, and you've done something incredible together.
Maybe falling in love doesn't involve the same risks as skydiving, but there is risk. You won't break any bones, but you might break your heart. In the end, usually people talk more about the excitement than the fear. I think it's important to talk about the fear and normalize it, however. It's okay to have fear and doubts. Love is a risk. And stuff happens in our brain to make us more fearful than usual.
Helen Fisher has a chemical explanation for the suckiness of dating and love; the fears, the doubts, the anxiety. She explains what’s going on in the brain when we fall in love.
Dopamine
Oh, dopamine. This is undoubtedly your fav neurotransmitter, whether you know it or not. This is what gives us that rush of joy after the first sip of coffee in the morning. It’s our brain’s way of telling us “yes! Keep doing that!” and is thus released after things essential to life: sex, food, drinks, exercise. It’s also released from drugs like heroine and cocaine, and is the source of their addictive properties. That’s why being in love can sometimes feel like an addiction.
Adrenaline
We get a burst of energy when we fall in love. Suddenly, you can stay up all night talking and making out when normally you’re in bed by ten. Our bodies send adrenaline coursing through our veins so we have energy to procreate. Yay!
Oxytocin
This is a chemical that makes us feel a connection to others. It’s released in full force after a mother gives birth, and it’s released after we have sex. It makes us feel loving and connected with the people around us.
Serotonin
Serotonin is a stabilizing chemical in our brain. If it’s too low, it leads to depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder. When we fall in love, our serotonin levels decrease, causing obsessive thoughts about the person we love, and general moodiness. There can be periods of great joy, and also periods of panic and anxiety.
All of these neurotransmitters make quite the cocktail in our mind. Happiness, energy, love, connection, and… moodiness? Fear? Anxiety? It’s all normal. The decreased serotonin levels are probably what make some people run and hide. I know for me, it starts to feel like I’m losing that control that I just built up in my life. In some ways, it seems easier just to be alone. I don’t want to obsess over the meaning of cryptic text messages! Why does love have to turn us into complete messes?
Helen Fisher, with all her wisdom, argues that all of this has an evolutionary purpose and is part of the process. This initial state doesn’t last forever, luckily, and our brain chemicals even out. Though parts of it can be scary, we can still enjoy the parts that are fun. Enjoy the electric energy and the joy of that initial attraction. Your brain will come back to you all too soon. It’s easy to chalk all our fears up to fears of commitment, but I wonder how much of that is really just screwed up brain chemistry, amplifying our fears and anxieties. There are fun parts of falling in love, but there are stressful parts too, much like with skydiving.
Note: I've never been skydiving (yet).
If you’re now hoping for a more optimistic take on love and relationships, check out Helen Fisher—she has awesome Ted Talks and books about love. I highly recommend her book called Why Him? Why Her? Which explains a biological connection between personality types.
