The default mode network is one of my favorite ideas in psychology. fMRI’s have shown us that default mode network (DMN) is what lights up when we use “I” in our mind. It’s our concept of self. It’s the lens through which we look at the world.
When you look at a piece of art, first you might just see the art. But then, you remember another piece of art you saw that was similar; you realize how the art makes you feel, and you wonder what someone else might think about it. As soon as you start thinking about that painting as it relates to you, you’re activating the DMN. Now, every painting might not relate to you. There are probably a lot of paintings that you look at and just see, without noticing how it affects you. Generally, we appreciate the former type of painting more. The deeper a connection you feel to a song, movie, car, or whatever, the more you’re probably within your DMN.
The DMN is an ever-present portion of our minds. It is lowered when we meditate or take certain psychedelic drugs. We use it when we think about what we want for dinner or what we should wear. We also use it as we scroll through social media—a lot.
Think about the number of memes that involve the phrase “me”. The way we talk about memes also centers around this idea. We send a meme saying “it me” or “lol you”. The memes aren’t just funny to us—they represent us.
Unfortunately, other things on social media represent us too. If we look at something and agree with everything it says, we’re lighting up our DMN. We’re going “yes, I agree. Yes, this is true because…” We might even start conjuring ideas to further that argument. On the other side of it, when we see something we don’t agree with, we tend to take it personally and get offended. “Well! This is says this and I don’t agree with that because… and they need to read…. And they’re trying to call me…. And that’s not true about me!” etc.
As we go through social media and find ourselves jealous of someone else’s experience, we’re activating our DMN. We’re saying “they have this AND I don’t”. We are applying their experience to ourselves. When we see an ex or someone we had a complex relationship with, we might think back to our feelings about that person, making ourselves feel sad, angry, jealous, or confused. As we think about our relationship toward this person, we’re activating the DMN. The DMN is the part of the brain that can take something small and innocent and make it into a VERY big deal.
What to do:
The default mode network is closely tied to anxiety, depression, obsessions, and PTSD. Generally, the more activated it is in our minds, the worse we’re going to feel. So, should we all stop using social media? Not necessarily.
It might be our habit to apply our input from the world to ourselves, but we don’t have to. We have the ability to look through social media and not take anything personally—it just takes practice.
When you notice yourself starting to get offended, remind yourself:
This post has more to do with them than me.
They are looking at the world through a different lens and it’s going to look different than mine.
Is there any new information I can take away from this?
When you notice yourself obsessing over a past relationship, remind yourself:
Our lives have gone in different directions and that’s okay.
They’re allowed to live their life however they want and I can do the same.
What they’re feeling today has nothing to do with me or our relationship.
When you start to get jealous over someone else’s life, remind yourself:
All humans are suffering in some way, including them.
This jealousy is coming up because it’s pointing me toward a goal.
Their success does not take away from my success.
It’s beautiful to see a moment of joy in someone else’s life.
Getting some emotional distance from the posts in this way gives you some space before you react. You can see this information and go “okay! I don’t have to take this in and let it affect me if I don’t want to”. We can then observe the information with curiosity, rather than judgment.
There can be value in learning from social media, but in order for it to be effective, we have to take a step back and recognize that those posts are true to that person, but they don’t have to be true to us. If we can take them in just as information, we can be more objective. We can start to see other points of view, because we aren’t caught in a place of judgment.
For more posts like these (and an opportunity to practice these tools!), follow me on Facebook or Instagram (@gracewood_therapy).
