Humans hate change. Be it a new job, a move, a new relationship, or a change in season, we tend to resist the idea of change. We love predictability because it gives us a sense of control. Control, the thing we are constantly trying to convince ourselves that we have. We do this by trying to predict the future, and by reliving the past. In our minds, we invent the idea of control.
In reality, we’re just reacting to life as it comes. And sometimes, proactively trying to create a world that we like. But still, when changes come, we feel anxious. Trying something new is scary, because we can’t predict with much accuracy what’s going to happen. How can we control it if we can’t predict it?
But then, how well do we predict how things will go, anyway? Even things we’ve done a million times?
Think about all the small ways in which you calculate your day. You plan for how long it will take you to drive to work (or throw on some sweatpants and go to your computer); you think about what you’ll order at the drive through; you envision a remodel for your bathroom. Maybe you play out conversations that you’d like to have, thinking about different ways a person can respond.
Many of these predictions probably go according to plan, which perpetuates the illusion that we have some sort of control. But many probably don’t go as expected—the restaurant you choose is out of your favorite meal (the worst!), or there’s more traffic than you’d expect on I-35 (which is saying something). It’s good that we can perform some level of planning and predicting. Our lives would probably be chaos without those skills. But it’s important that we recognize that these are just possibilities, and much of what we face is out of our control. The only thing we can actually control is our response to these things.
When we expect something to go a certain way and it doesn’t, the initial reaction is often anger. We say things like “the line should not be this long!” Or “people are driving like idiots!” Our anger might cause us to be cruel or hurtful to people around us, even though they rarely have control over the situation. When we free ourselves of the reality that we feel “should” happen—AKA, the reality we predicted in our minds, which really is totally subjective and completely revolves around us—we can accept the change in our reality with much more ease. There might still be some anger or frustration, but acceptance of the situation generally eases much of the tension we feel. Although, it also means accepting the fact that we don’t have very much control. And, ultimately, it means accepting our death.
Death is arguably the biggest change we go through in life, next to being born. We don’t know what happens after that big change. Lots of speculation. That makes it especially scary. It’s not like moving to a new city or a new country, where you can look it up on Google maps first and get a feel for the area. It’s a complete unknown. Whatever we feel happens next, we can only judge by faith.
If we let go of control in our lives, and accept that much of what happens to us is beyond our reach to influence, we must also accept that we are going to die. In fact, due to our fragile human existence, it could be any time. If that makes you uncomfortable, I get it. But when you accept it, it frees you of living in fear of it. When you accept the things you can’t control, it also gives you more energy to focus on the things that you can control.
Think of the energy that you spend worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Think of the hours that you spend reliving the past. It varies for everyone, but especially for people with anxiety or depression, those thoughts are occupying a lot of mental space. How much more would you enjoy in your life without your attention going to things you cannot control?
Next time you notice yourself thinking “this is not how it should be” in any of its many forms, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that it is the way it is, whatever that “it” might be, and that the best thing for you to do is to accept that. They’re out of your favorite food, or it’s raining when you have outdoor plans, or your flight was cancelled. Once you accept that, you can move with ease into figuring out what comes next. The more you practice that acceptance, the more you can let go of the constant worry of “what if” in your mind. You’ll know that whatever happens, you can face it.
