It’s still hard for me to talk about body image without getting riled up. It’s a sensitive topic for most people, especially women. We’re taught that women should look a certain way in order to be valuable to society. Society has been set up that way for a while now. Men receive messages about how they should look and behave too, most of which don’t do them any good either.
Body image is a tricky thing. Lots of times I hear “well I would be happy with my body if I just lost a few pounds” or “I’ll like my body when I start going to the gym again”. I’ve thought those things, too. But body image and actual body are two completely separate entities. One is a complex built by comments from other people from the time we’re born—images we see in magazines and movies, criticisms we hear other people give themselves, messages from peers and family, all combining in our mind to form some idea of who we are and who we should be. The other is just a body.
People tend to think that once they change their body, their body image will naturally change with it. Once they lose ten pounds, or put on some muscle, or get a tan, have plastic surgery, or whatever it is, then they’ll look in the mirror and like what they see. If only it worked that way.
Listen. The tan people with “perfect” bodies who go to the gym every day and take shots of wheat grass still have poor body images. They still look in the mirror and see things they don’t like. Because our body image has nothing to do with our physical body.
You can go to the gym and lose ten pounds and change your body in any number of ways, but that doesn’t even touch the years of negative thoughts and attitudes that have built up around your looks. Maybe it temporarily feels good when people give you a compliment or notice the weight loss, but eventually that positive reinforcement dies down, and you’re left with same negativity that you’ve always had.
If you’ve read my blog posts before (thank you, if you have!) you’ve seen me go on about pathways in the brain. Here I go again. Our brain is full of pathways and the more we use certain pathways, the faster they become. If you have this pathway that says “it’s because you’re fat” or “you’ll never be attractive” or literally anything negative about your body, that doesn’t go away when you change your body. The pathway is still there, ready to activate when you look in the mirror or see someone topless on Instagram. That pathway isn’t true or more accurate, it just feels that way because you use it a lot.
Think back to when you were five pounds lighter, or when you were tan, or when you were working out three times a day. Did you look in the mirror and think “damn, I look good af. There’s nothing I need to change about my body!” If you did, that’s awesome. However, for most people that’s not the case. Most people still think they need to lose five more pounds, even if they’re proud of their accomplishments so far.
To be happy with your body, you have to change those pathways. Here are some steps.
1) Notice when those thoughts pop up.
Is it when you’re getting dressed in the morning? When you go to the gym? When you see the cover of Vogue in line at the grocery store? Notice when those thoughts about your body come up. Acknowledge them.
2) Don’t judge yourself for having those thoughts.
These thoughts didn’t come out of nowhere. We weren’t shoved from the womb thinking “sorry mom, that would have been a lot easier if I lost 2 pounds”. We can’t even argue that it’s an evolution thing, because from an evolutionary perspective, we are constantly striving to lose weight. This is a type of thinking that’s born from culture. You’re not alone in this thinking, and it’s not your fault.
3) Start creating a new pathway.
You want this new pathway to be something you honestly believe. Whether that’s “I’m beautiful the way I am” or “I’m proud of how I look” or whatever works for you. Just don’t try to convince yourself of something you don’t really believe, like that you’re the sexiest human alive (unless you really believe that, in which case you probably don’t need to be reading this). However negative your thoughts might usually be, I’m sure you can find at least one positive thing to focus on. If not, practice until you can! Look in the mirror and find something you like
4) Practice, practice, practice.
This isn’t something that’s going to come easily. Those pathways have been there a long time and they’re very well paved. The new ones might seem silly at first, but eventually they will feel more true than the old ones. If you can give up carbs, go to the gym every day, and cook healthy foods, I know you can practice this, too!
It’s so easy to feel like we don’t deserve to love—-or even like—our bodies. It’s so easy to convince ourselves that we don’t deserve to love our bodies until we meet some bullshit standard that society has placed on us. But let me remind you, in case you’ve forgotten: your body is an amazing thing that allows you to experience the world around you. Without it, you wouldn’t get to hold the hand of someone you love, ski down a mountain, taste ice cream, smell the rain, or see the city at night. Our bodies do so many amazing things for us, and we get hung up on whether they’re a size six or a size eight. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your body. You deserve that.
Body image is a complex subject, far more so than I could get into here. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder or you’re having difficulty living your life due to thoughts about your body, seek help from a therapist. I’d be happy to talk to you or help you find someone else to talk to. You don’t have to go through it alone.
