Why do so many of us stay in jobs, relationships, cities, and situations that make us unhappy? Maybe you’ve noticed in friends, family, members, or even yourself, a frustration that comes from seeing that someone could change something, but they’re just not doing it. Often, the explanation comes from self-worth.
If someone doesn’t feel they’re worthy or deserving or capable of a life where they’re in healthy relationships, or making more money, or whatever it might be, they’re not going to take the necessary steps to make that happen. It might not even seem like a possibility to them. They stay stuck in situations that don’t bring them happiness, because that seems like the only way.
Low self-worth can show up in the way we talk to ourselves. If your mind is full of criticism, judgment, blame, and shame—you might have low self-worth. It shows up behaviorally as not taking care of your home or body; staying in situations that are painful; low intrinsic motivation.
People with low self-worth might be extremely motivated externally, fearing letting people down so intensely that they will go out of their way to be kind and generous to others. They might be over-achievers in school, work, or friendships—but that kindness does not extend to themselves. Their worth is coming from the praise of others, and without that praise, they find themselves in the deep pits of their own minds.
If any of this is sounding like you, don’t worry—you’re certainly not alone. Part of what makes working on self-worth tricky is that often people with low self-worth don’t feel like they deserve self-love. Telling themselves anything positive might feel like a lie, which makes it difficult to shift that way of thinking. Just know that you are worthy of living a life that makes you happy—we all are. Low self-worth typically stems from childhood experiences.
How do you improve your self worth? Especially when, understandably, you don’t feel worthy of it? Here are some steps to try, but know that this is a long process. Therapy will help.
Treat yourself the way you would like to be treated in a relationship
What are your needs in a relationship? For most of us, we want attention, respect, kindness, understanding, touch, love, etc. If you were on a date with your partner and they spent the whole time looking at their phone, you probably wouldn’t feel you were getting adequate attention. And yet, we spend so much of our alone time staring at screens. We don’t give ourselves adequate attention.
You probably don’t want a partner who constantly criticizes you and dismisses your feelings, and yet we spend so much mental energy doing that to ourselves. The message we send ourselves again and again is “you aren’t worthy” and “you aren’t enough”. This feeling, coming from our own self-talk, is likely to project itself onto others as well. You might find yourself thinking that you don’t matter to your friends or family.
Take care of yourself
Taking care of yourself means being a good, kind parent to yourself. It means feeding yourself healthy foods, bathing, exercising, and doing things you enjoy. Taking care of yourself needs to be coming from a place of love, not a place of loathing. Go to the gym because you love your body and you want to treat it well, not because you hate your body and you want it to shrink. Feed yourself well because fruits and vegetables feel good when you eat them, not because you’re depriving yourself of something tasty.
This is one of the most difficult parts of self-worth. If you find yourself struggling to do these things from a place a love, give yourself compassion. Somewhere along the line, you weren’t taught how to take care of yourself in a loving way. That’s okay! It’s not too late to learn. Practice, practice, practice.
Notice and appreciate the ways you take care of yourself
Back to the analogy of a relationship, if you’re cooking, cleaning, and looking after someone and you get zero appreciation, you’re probably not going to feel very good. You might start to build resentment and frustration. The same is true for ourselves.
Recognize the ways you treat yourself well already. Maybe that’s as simple as brushing your teeth, maybe it’s the way you clean out your car, maybe it’s being sure to drink enough water each day. Start to notice and appreciate these small ways that you look after yourself. Verbalize, either out loud or in your mind, something like “thank you for taking care of me today! I’m so glad I’m taking good care of my body today”.
Connect with yourself
Make sure you’re taking time each day to check in with how you’re feeling and what you’re needing. Take some deep breaths and notice what’s happening in your body.
Everyone connects with themselves in different ways. I feel most connected to myself when I’m playing guitar or doing something creative, but it might look different for you. Some people feel connected to themselves when they’re exercising, journaling, or cooking dinner. Notice when you feel most connected to yourself (your thoughts, desires, feelings, needs) and make an effort to do that each day. Put your phone away and focus on you. You deserve it!
Set boundaries and put yourself first
If you consistently make yourself your last priority, behind work, loved ones, friends, children, etc—you’re going to feel like you’re not a priority. You might get frustrated with people around you for not prioritizing you, but at the end of the day, the only one who can truly prioritize you is you.
Show yourself that you matter by setting boundaries. Start telling people “no”. You cannot give all of your time, energy, and resources to other people and still expect to have something left for yourself. The reality is, giving everything you have to other people leaves you feeling resentful and drained. It is not healthy for relationships. Healthy relationships involve setting boundaries.
Those are some places to start in order to improve your self-worth. It might feel like you’re faking it at first, and that’s perfectly normal and okay. The pathways in your brain need some time to readjust to this new way of thinking. Keep trying, and make sure to give yourself compassion along the way. I hope you discover how truly worthy you are, just for being you. Contact me if this is something you would like to explore in therapy. I’d love to be a part of your journey!
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