How to Practice Mindfulness in Dating
I’m not going to tell you not to use dating apps. Dating apps, for better or worse, are part of our culture. I am going to give you some tips for how to swipe better, and to have better dates.
Swipe well.
Dating apps have become a pillar of modern dating culture. They have their pros and cons, certainly, but there are ways to use them that lead to deep connections. Here are some tips to keep in mind when it comes to swiping:
Quality over quantity. If you live in a big city, you might be able to swipe endlessly, without ever reaching an end. It can be tempting to keep looking for that “perfect” match. However, this can keep us stuck in a loop of swiping, meaningless conversation, and more swiping. Rather than continuing to swipe, just swipe until you have two or three matches, then focus your attention on having interesting conversations (see point 5 for strategies).
Meet up IRL ASAP. Of course, use caution in meeting people out in the world. But, continuing long conversations over an app, texting, or snapchat lead to false images of the person you’re talking to. Dating apps aren’t for dating–they’re for making an intro. Use that jumping off point to meet someone (in public!!) so you can get a real feel for your chemistry.
If, for some reason, you can’t meet up within one or two days of matching, I’d suggest trying to talk on the phone or over video. You’ll get a better feel for how it might be to talk in real life than if you continue to text.
2. Be present in the moment.
When you're on a date, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about how you are being perceived. You might worry about how you look or something silly that you said. When that happens, you lose the ability to be present and curious with the person in front of you, and it’s difficult to connect.
Being present means letting go of the thoughts that nag at you and doing your best to channel curiosity for the person you’re meeting with. Try not to think of a date like a job interview, but as an opportunity to get to know someone.
3. Embrace vulnerability
Dating is inherently vulnerable and there’s no getting around that. We do a lot to try to protect our fragile little hearts, and often those protective mechanisms push people away. Be on the lookout for these common coping mechanisms that cause distance in our relationships:
Downplaying feelings (e.g. “playing it cool”)
Avoiding intimacy (emotional and/or physical)
Being non-committal (e.g. someone invites you to something and you say “maybe”)
Keeping things “casual”
Looking at your phone when you’re spending one on one time with someone
4. Give yourself time to reflect
It can be easy to get caught up in someone new and start obsessing about whether or not they like you. It’s important to focus your energy back on yourself and pay attention to how you’re feeling. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself when you’re dating someone new:
Was I able to be myself around them?
Did I feel safe expressing my true feelings on various topics?
How did I feel when I left the date?
Do I feel secure that this person will show up when they say they’re going to show up, and text/call when they say they’re going to text/call?
Did I feel any pressure to do something I didn’t want to do, or to be someone I’m not?
Did they make me laugh?
5. Ask meaningful questions
Dating can be repetitive, especially if we keep asking the same questions, i.e. “what do you do for work?” “do you have siblings?”, “what do you like to do for fun?”. It’s not that those are bad questions–in fact, they’re pretty important–it’s just that they’re not fun or interesting. Here are some questions you can ask to get out of the rut and hopefully, connect on a deeper level.
If you could take all your thoughts that you have in a day and put them in a pie-chart, what would that pie chart look like?
What is your favorite part of your day?
What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months?
What sparked joy for you this week?
If you could have any job in the world and not have to worry about money, what would it be?
What games did you like to play as a kid, and which ones were you the best at?
Dating can be emotionally exhausting, but taking a moment to breathe and be mindful can save you a lot of stress in the long run. I hope these tips help you in the dating world!
